Discipline mistakes even smart parents make

Few things can shake your parental confidence more than trying to get your kids to listen and behave. Whether you're losing it because no one will clean up the Play-Doh all over the dining room table or trying (in vain) to get the gang in the car, it can make you wonder how things went so very, very wrong. We spoke to the experts to get the answers. Here are 18 discipline mistakes that even smart parents make -- and the easy changes you can make to fix them.

Not Following Through

If you tell your child he's not allowed to watch TV if he doesn't clean up his room, but then you cave in and let him do it anyway, you're only going to confuse him. You have to follow through every time, experts say. "When parents don't follow through, they send the child a double message: 'Sometimes we mean what we say and sometimes we don't,'" explains Carl Pickhardt, Ph.D, a psychologist in Austin, Texas and author of The Everything Parent’s Guide to Positive Discipline. Many kids, especially those who are strong-willed, will often bet that you don't if that's worked in the past. However, if you keep your word and actually, say, unplug the TV for the day, your child will realize, "Hey, Mom's not kidding around -- I'd better behave." For that reason, it's best not to make any threats you'd never stick with, like "No Christmas this year."

forgetting your child's developmental age

Before you discipline your child, consider her age. When your baby spills her food, for example, you don't expect her to clean it up. When your toddler dumps his cereal and then flatly denies it, he's only lying because he wants to please you because he sees you're not smiling. And if your preschooler dumps his broccoli on the floor? Well, you know the answer there. (Power struggle anyone?) So what works for an older child may not work for a younger one. Keep these guidelines from Johns Hopkins Medicine in mind before disciplining your child.

Infants and Toddlers: At this age, safety is the main concern -- children this age will respond to your loudly saying "no." After doing so, always offer a safer, acceptable alternative. (So if your child is about to touch the stove, shout "no," and then steer him in the direction of a toy.) Try to praise good behavior and ignore bad behavior, such as temper tantrums.

Preschoolers: Consistency is key, so make sure your rules are clear and stick with them. Also, allow enough time for transitions from activity to activity. Preschoolers might need you to explain in detail why they need to behave a certain way and what will happen if they don't.

School-aged Children: Children this age need the above rules, but parents should also give them the opportunity to share their side of the story. Always offer choices and let your child help you figure out ways to handle any behavioral problems.

playing good cop/bad cop

Maybe we've all watched too much Law and Order, but that whole good cop/bad cop routine really does come in handy: Sometimes saying, "Wait until your father comes home!" actually gets the kids to behave. However, warn experts, this tactic is best left down in the police station. "Not only does this discipline technique put the other parent in the bad light as the 'mean' parent, it also sends the message that you might not be able to make up your mind about what to do on your own," say Devra Gordon-Renner and Aviva Pflock, co-authors of Mommy Guilt: Learn to Worry Less, Focus on What Matters Most, and Raise Happier Kids. Instead, next time you're trying to figure out a proper punishment for your child, try saying something like, "When your father gets home, we are going to discuss how to handle this." Then, your child will learn that Mom and Dad are a team. "The important thing is that you don't set up a situation where one parent is the disciplinarian and the other parent isn't," add Gordon-Renner and Pflock

barking orders

"Get your coat!" "Brush your teeth!" "Clean your room!" Bossing your child around isn't the best way to get him to behave. "When you command your child to do something, his body will tend to stiffen and his brain will send the message to resist," says Jane Nelsen, Ed.D, author of the Positive Discipline series. Instead, she recommends asking your child a question such as "What should you wear so you're not cold?" or "How can you make your teeth feel clean?" or "How can we make sure no one trips on all these toys in your room?" which lets her body relax while her brain searchers for an answer. "Asking questions invites the child to think for herself and helps her feel more capable, connected and likely to cooperate," says Dr. Nelsen.

always counting to three

Many parents love to count to three when they want results and sometimes, it can be a good motivator, giving kids a cue to transition and parents a consistent and level-headed disciplinary response. But there's a downside to this method. "Counting to three can reinforce that a child really doesn't have to listen the first time; it gives him 2, 2½, 2¾, 3 chances before he has to take action," explains Amy McCready, founder of Positive Parenting Solutions and author of If I Have to Tell You One More Time. If that's the case for your child, then McCready recommends that you get eye-to-eye with your child and be very clear about what you want him to do. "If he doesn't respond after the first request, get eye to eye again and give an 'either-or' statement," she says. "For example, 'Either you can stop throwing sand or we will leave the park.'" 

overusing time outs

Time-outs are certainly the go-to discipline method for many parents, but the American Academy of Pediatrics says that if you are going to use them, make sure your child knows which few negative behaviors will result in one ahead of time. Also, the length of the time out depends on the age of the child -- the rule of thumb is one minute for every year. (So if your child is 5 years old, he'd get a 5 minute time out.) However, keep in mind that time outs aren't always effective. "For strong-willed children, a timeout usually invites a power struggle and it doesn't focus on helping the child make a better choice in the future," explains McCready. "Instead, take time to train the child on the appropriate behavior (including role play) or implement respectful, appropriate consequences that are related to the specific behavior issue that will help the child make a better choice next time." As with any discipline technique, it'll probably take a little trial and error to determine whether time outs are right for your child.

avoiding the specifics

When parents take issue with a child's behavior, for example saying something like, "Stop being fresh," they think they have communicated effectively about what their child to do, but they actually haven't. When parents use general phrases like these, the child might know that they disapprove of their behavior but have no idea what, exactly, they are objecting to, explains Dr. Pickhardt. Instead, be specific in your correction: For instance, you can say something like, "Stop being disrespectful by interrupting me when I'm speaking" or "Stop acting fresh by making such a mean face at me." That way, your child will know exactly which behavior to change.

leaving out the learning lesson

"It's easy for parents to say 'Don't do that!' 'Stop that!' or 'That's wrong!' but these commands only stop the action -- they have no educational value," says Dr. Pickhardt. Adds McCready: "'Don't'" commands are discouraging and require kids to double-process --  they have to first consider 'What does she not want me to do?' and then figure out 'What does she want me to do instead?'" It's better to just cut to the chase and calmly tell your child what specific action you'd like her to take: So, for instance, instead of saying, "Don't run in the house!" it's more effective to say, "Please walk when you're in the house so you don't get hurt!" Bottom line: Make sure that when you discipline your child they learn why a behavior is inappropriate or dangerous and what a better alternative is.

forgetting the love

"It's important to make a connection before a correction -- it lets children know they are loved unconditionally, even when they need to change their behavior," says Dr. Nelsen. Otherwise, the child might feel threatened and either fight back, freeze with fear, or zone out completely. Saying something like, "I love you, but the answer is 'No!'" or resting your hand on his shoulder helps a child feel a sense of belonging and significance, so he'll more likely listen and cooperate, Dr. Nelsen explains.

using bribery

Of course, telling your child you'll buy her candy or a new toy if she behaves might work in the short-term. However, such techniques aren't very effective for the long haul. "Kids will think, 'I'll be good to get the reward,' rather than because it feels great to do the right thing," explains Dr. Nelsen. Same goes for praise: Telling a child, "I'm so proud of you!" lets her know that she lived up to your expectations. "The danger is that kids can become so addicted to getting praise and rewards that they won't, say, clean up their rooms or get ready for school on time if they don't get it," explains Dr. Nelsen. Instead, she emphasizes encouragement -- when your child does something nice, instead of handing her a dollar just say, "Thank you! I bet you feel really good about that!" Or instead of "I'm so proud of you," you can say, "You must be so proud of yourself."

dredging up the past

Don't assume that just because your child pulled the dog's tail the last time you were at the neighbor's house that he'll do it again. "If you walk into the house and immediately tell your child, 'You pulled the puppy's tail last time. Don't do it again!' you may find your child withdrawn during what was intended to be a fun visit because he is embarrassed or shamed by the remark of a past transgression," say Gordon-Renner and Pflock. If you feel your child needs a gentle reminder to avoid making the same mistake again, then focus on the positive with a comment like, "Remember that puppies like to be touched gently, so let's just pet him on his back." 

making it too personal

Telling your child something like, "You're a bad boy!" rather than focusing on the behavior you disagree with sends the wrong message. You're attacking who he is as a person, rather than focusing on one particular behavior. "Keep correction free of criticism to keep it more effective -- focus on choices the child made, but don't attack the child's character," explains Dr. Pickhardt. "Choices he can change; character he can't. Criticism will only put him on the defensive." So, rather than saying, "You're a bad boy," Dr. Pickhardt suggests saying something like, "We disagree with the choice you have made. This is why. This is what needs to happen in consequence. And this is what we hope you can learn from this experience."

not practicing what you preach

Call us hypocrites, but plenty of parents have screamed across the house to tell their kids to stop screaming. Or we order them to clean their rooms while the rest of the house is filled with clutter. "Parents yell and scream at their kids and then wonder why they yell and scream back," says Dr. Nelsen. "Or they want their son or daughter to be respectful, but then they don't treat them respectfully." The key is to be a good role model. "Mimicking their parents' behavior is the number one way children learn -- which is why moms and dads should act the way they want their children to," says Dr. Nelsen. So if you want your children to talk in a respectful, low voice, for example, you might start by doing the same.

refereeing fights you haven't witnessed

Picture this: Your 4-year-old son and 6-year-old daughter are playing in another room when the younger one suddenly runs to you hysterically crying. You charge into the playroom, yelling at your daughter for her supposed infraction. She denies it, your son insists she is the culprit, and absolutely nothing gets resolved (other than possibly making your son figure you'll always run to his rescue and your daughter think you'll never take her side.) Here's an alternative: "At a calm moment -- such as at dinnertime -- let your children know that you are not the house referee," say Gordon-Renner and Pflock. "You expect them to treat each other with respect and when they have an issue they need to resolve it on their own, without screaming. If either one of them feels things are getting out of hand, they should come to you and you will help mediate. You will no longer rush in to break things up after the fact."

not getting to the root of the problem

Your child refuses to put on her shoes. You yell at her to do so, and when she still resists you start making the same ol' threats: 'No playdates! No TV! No dessert!' But that's not going to help prevent the power struggle from happening again, says McCready. "A child who does the opposite of what you want her to do -- such as refusing to put on her shoes -- is acting out because she wants to have power," she says. "It's a clear indication that the child needs opportunities to exert her power in positive ways by having more age-appropriate control over her world." You can try doing that by giving choices: For instance, "Do you want to wear sandals or sneakers today?" Or "Should we brush your teeth before or after bath time?" The good news is that as she makes his decision, she'll likely forget she ever intended to fight you in the first place.

knee jerk reactions

It's a common scenario: Your child misbehaves, you overreact and wind up either screaming your head off or doling out discipline that's too harsh, and ultimately, you regret your reaction. "Often we are required to make an instant decision at a time when we may be caught off guard," say Gordon-Renner and Pflock. "What we do in the heat of the moment might be vastly different had we had time to consider our response." The best way to do this, they say, is to set ground rules in place. With your kids, write down a list of rules for the most common infractions and post them on the refrigerator or bathroom mirror. For instance, the rules can include ones such as, "Speak respectfully," "No hitting," or "Only 30 minutes of TV every day." Also, talk about appropriate punishments for each one. Then, if your child talks back, hits his brother or refuses to turn off the TV, you'll already have agreed on an appropriate consequence. For parents who don't have rules in place, you might at least want to take a few minutes before doling out a punishment (unless safety is an issue.) You can say something like, "I am very disappointed with what has happened here, and I need a little bit of time to figure out what to do about it."

throwing your own tantrums

So many times when a child throws a tantrum, the parent gets stuck screaming and throwing a tantrum of her own. This doesn't accomplish anything except exacerbate the situation, experts say. Your best bet is to try to determine the cause of the tantrum -- is your little one hungry or tired, for instance. Then, if you're in public, try to remove your child from the situation. If you're home, however, your best bet might be to wait until the tantrum has ended. "Sometimes kids need to let off a little steam and as long as safety isn't an issue, it might not be the worst thing," say Gordon-Renner and Pflock.

the "everything but the kitchen sink" approach

"Sit down, stop fighting, apologize to your brother, clean up this mess, and go to your room!" Sound familiar? Sure, we've all lost our cool and thrown countless demands at our kids -- but experts explain that all this does is cause confusion. "When parents toss everything their way, children become confused because they aren't sure what they should do: Should they sit down, clean up the mess, be quiet, apologize?" says Gordon-Renner and Pflock. "While the parent has all of these demands zooming out of their mouth, these messages are heard as contradictions to the child: 'How can I sit down but at the same time clean up the mess?'" Stick with one demand -- and one consequence -- at a time.

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