Jill MacDonald, MA, LPC
I don’t know anyone who would say they enjoy hearing the word “NO.” And
children especially dislike it. However, as a therapist and parent I know that
saying (and hearing) “no” is a vital and positive part of our lives. Some would
say it’s just a fact of life that we all have to deal with. That may be true –
but that’s not what I’m saying. Saying “no” at the appropriate time is a
primary aspect of teaching our children to be motivated, centered,
appreciative, happy human beings. Wondering where I’m going with this? Well,
let me fill you in!
It’s an understatement to say that we’re living in an overindulgent
society. To many, MORE is always better. However, if this is true then there
will never be enough – because someone will always have more than you do. So
the combination of our material-obsessed society and two generations of parents
that overcompensate by giving their children material things rather than time
means that children are being robbed of the opportunity to develop motivation
and drive in their own lives. Instead they grow up over-valuing things – but
lack the drive to work for those things – yet feel entitled to them and even
expect things should come easily. Our society is raising children who will grow
up missing the primary qualities that make a successful human being –
determination and patience.
So, how do we help our children? You begin by saying no. you start to
understand that saying no is a tool. You learn that when you say no – you’re
teaching your child something. You learn to say no in a non-punishing manner.
You take the time to think through your answers, while keeping your focus on
the life lesson at hand. Our role as parents is to raise our children to be
happy, successful, contributing members of society. Therefore, teaching them to
handle hearing “no” – and to understand the lesson behind it – is key.
Too many parents take the easy road and say yes for instant
gratification. It gets the child off their back; quiets them down; shuts them
up. But let’s think about the damage done from that choice. The kids see your
own lack of patience. Therefore, they don’t learn to appreciate what they have,
they can become spoiled, and they learn to manipulate in order to get what they
want. And later on – they lack the drive and motivation to work for what they
want because they feel entitled to it.
Take a few minutes to think about how you handle saying no to your
children (or grandchildren). Take stock in the values you hold dear and want to
teach them, and ask yourself if you’re working toward that goal. Learn to talk
to your children and explain why you’re saying no (that it’s not a punishment)
– and what you are trying to teach them from it.
Source: 4therapy.com
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