By Elizabeth Scott, M.S.
The benefits of optimism have been proven many times
over by research. Optimists enjoy better health and increased longevity over
pessimists, experience less stress, and achieve more in life. While much of our
personality traits are inborn, you can influence your child’s tendency toward
optimistic or pessimistic thinking: optimism can be taught! Here are some ways
you can help instill this valuable trait and raise the optimistic child:
Help
Them Experience Success:
Children develop self-esteem and optimism by experiencing success, even in the
face of some challenges. So, starting young, let your child do things for
themselves (with you in a supporting role rather than doing for them), and
acknowledge their success. For example, even if it takes more work on your
part, allow small children to take on household responsibilities like sorting
socks, putting their toys away, etc., and acknowledge their efforts.
Give
Credit For Success:
When your child faces a success, help them see how they contributed to it, and
label those actions as strengths. For example, “You did well on your test.
You’re really smart!” or “You’re a hard worker to have been so prepared!” You
don’t need to tell them something’s great when it isn’t (children can sense
false praise), but giving them credit for their own accomplishments builds
self-efficacy and contributes to optimism.
Look
For Future Success:
When dealing with successes, focus on what traits in the child made the success
possible, and examine other successes that can come from these traits. Going
back to the example of the high test score, you may mention that the strong
work ethic and intelligence that went into the successful test can help them
reach other goals. You might explore what some of their goals for the future
could be, whether it’s to be an astronaut or to do well in college.
Don’t
Praise Indiscriminately:
Optimism researcher Martin Seligman believes that telling a child that
everything they do is great—rather than helping them experience real successes
and persist in the face of reasonable obstacles—puts the child at a
disadvantage, creating an overly strong self-focus and actually making them
more vulnerable to depression! So validate that success, but do acknowledge
when their efforts aren’t successful as well. Children learn to see through
empty praise.
Validate,
But Question: When your child
faces failure or negative situations, validate your child’s feelings, but ask
questions that can cause them to see things more optimistically. For example,
if another child doesn’t want to play with them, talk about their hurt feelings
and let them express themselves. Then ask what other friends they may want to
play with. This helps them process (rather than deny) their emotions, but puts
the situation in perspective.
Remember
Success in the Face of Failure: When things go wrong, acknowledge your child’s feelings, but also help
them focus on other successes they’ve had, look at how things can go better in
the future or under different circumstances, and move on. For example, “I see
you feel disappointed in your score. Maybe you’re having an ‘off’ day. You
usually do better, and I’m sure you’ll do great next time.” And then get
involved in another activity, or practice for future success.
Look
For “Opportunities To Improve”: One tenet of optimistic thinking that parents may take issue with is
where optimists downplay their responsibility where failure is concerned. While
it does instill optimism to look at external circumstances that may have
contributed to things going awry, it’s okay to also assess what your child can
personally do in the future to do better next time. Just approach it as
‘looking for opportunities to improve’ rather than a self-blame session for
your child.
Look
For The Bright Side:
Help your child see that there is good and bad in every situation, and make a
game of looking for the silver linings in seemingly negative situations. For
example, if your child can’t play outside because it’s raining, look at the
positives of indoor play, or project what success may come from having extra
time to study. Even a broken leg can bring the fun of having friends sign the
cast! The game can get silly, and that’s okay, but it’s a good practice to get
into.
Don’t
Use Negative Labels:
Correct unacceptable behavior, but don’t label your child with negative
labels—ever! Children tend to live up—or down—to our expectations, so if you
say, “Jack’s our whiner,” or “Lucy’s our shy child,” what may have been a
passing phase becomes a more permanent identity. This is much more damaging to
a child’s self-concept than some parents realize, and it perpetuates the very
behavior you find so objectionable!
Make
an Example of Yourself:
Children watch us and see us as constant examples, whether we like it or not.
The good news about this is that we can teach by doing. Practice optimistic
thinking yourself. When you achieve success, don’t downplay it with false
modesty, but give yourself credit for a job well done. When things go wrong,
don’t catastrophize; put things in perspective.
Tips:
As you're
teaching your child optimism, it may help if you know whether you're an
optimist or a pessimist.
It's never
too late to become more of an optimist! Be more of an optimist and you can
better model that thinking style for your family.
Have fun
with it!
Source: About.com
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